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January 27th, 2009 by Sean Where Am I

Alright, so where am I on this path? Man, I’ve nearly forgotten. Forgive me if this post is about myself and my history… I know it’s egotistical. This is post is more for myself, than for the audience. Reader beware.

So I started with the intution that the world was a mystical place… but got slapped pretty hard by science. What… you don’t really believe in magic, do you? It’s just a trick, dummy.

My first incarnation was as an atheist fundamentalist. Life was simple. I was right, and everyone else was wrong. This lasted until my first death, at age 15, when I discovered a gapping hole in my logic. Maybe I was wrong? *gasp*

This new thought revolutionized my beliefs. If I could be 100% convinced of something, and be 100% wrong, then I must question everything. No belief could go unexamined. This ushered in a new era of doubt and uncertainty.

During the next few years, I dabbled in a lot of beliefs. I didn’t have the authority to deny any belief - it could be true, or have uniquely true parts to it - and therefore I had the responsibility to listen and try everything. Christianity? Check. Catholicism? Check. Buddhism? Check. Paganism? Psychic abilities? Life after death? Wiccan rituals? Goddesses? Check check check.

My psyche was split… I had an open-minded clean slate on one side, and a cynical close-minded skeptic on the other. Part of me had to try everything, another part of me had to ridicule it.

My second death happened in June of 2006. I killed my inner skeptic. After 7.5 years of effort, I finally delivered the knock-out punch: proof of non-physical energy.

So, things were good. My open-minded spiritual self had conquered the close-minded cynical self. Good triumphed over evil, right?

Alright! So, I gave my spiritual self free reign. To the victor goes the spoils.

My spiritual self kept lecturing me about purpose, and meaning, and personal development, and higher consciousness (whatever that means), and indoctrinated me in the world of expanded awareness. Oh glory day! I was born again!

But damn it all to hell, things just fell apart when I started to ask a few simple questions. For example: how do you determine your purpose? Can you change your mind? If you can change your mind, then how can you ever be sure you have the right purpose? If you can’t change your mind, then who the hell decided what my purpose was? Or how can I expand my consciousness without knowing what consciousness actually is? How do I measure progress? Can I use a ruler to measure the size of my consciousness?

My questions were no longer cynical in nature… they were just honest questions. Does everyone’s life have the same meaning? How can I figure out the meaning behind an experience? Does reality even care about meaning, or is this something my mind has just created?

Clearly, there are no clear answers :-).

Drunk on consciousness-ness, I devised a plan to put it to the test. Alright, spiritual self! Put some money where your mouth is! If your model of reality is correct, then you should have no problem winning the lottery :-). But no cheating… you can’t use mechanical methods like ESP or PK. Does reality have divine meaning? Is there an intelligent plan? Is there a spiritual purpose? Put up, or shut up.

My third death happened on the 25th of January. My spiritual self’s vision of reality has failed, and I have politely asked it to leave, and take all it’s belief-baggage with it.

Where does that leave me, today? Are there any illusionary self’s left to kill? The atheist died. The skeptic died. The divine died. Another one bites the dust.

I fear stepping into an identity will only lead me down the same path of non-self destruction. But mustn’t I have an identity to function? Perhaps I can just pretend for a while, and enjoy the ride?

Heh, whatever :-). Maybe life is easier than I think? “Just do your best”… you know?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 at 9:16 pm and is filed under Note to Self. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

### 11 Responses to “Where Am I”

1. PotentiaL Says:
   January 28th, 2009 at 12:10 am

   Only 38 seconds…

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USlnfTGlhXc

2. MagicDick Says:
   January 28th, 2009 at 1:25 am

   Well, damn. I like to think of myself as being very different from everyone else, but I can really relate to what you’ve written. 3 Deaths have jostled the way I think in the past 3 years. I can’t say that any one part of me has ever really died. To keep this short and non-specific, somebody close to me dying usually brought a new way of thinking into the mix. I’ve been mostly religious, then mostly agnostic(with random bits of spirituality sprinkled in), then mostly cynical.

   I say mostly because there’s always an inner argument going on, and some days I might temporarily accept an old way of thinking. I’ve tried to “kill” old ways of thinking off, but I’ve failed…

   But now, after the most recent loss, I just feel numb. I can’t help but feel that my beliefs (or any person’s) don’t matter. There isn’t some objective universal force that is waiting for me to find the right path so I can be on my jolly way to enlightenment or salvation.

   There’s just suffering and enjoyment, mixed up in struggle and triumph, mixed up in ignorance and knowledge. This… ephemeral cake of life. Every slice has all of the damn flavors. In varying concentrations.

   But the cake analogy (that I just made up out of hunger haha) doesn’t seem to work perfectly and its kinda off topic. But I don’t care about topics anymore. Right now (yeah I feel even more egotistical than you..) meaning and purpose matter far less than they ever have in my life.

   I embrace folly and live everyday looking for laughs and generally getting them. My actions don’t have much meaning, they just distract me from my frustration for a while. Humor has kept me from breaking down, but it has also crushed up the last bit of respect I had for “meaning”.

   I used to go through the day being constantly distracted from my truth-seeking thanks to modern obligations. But if truth really is there, why should homework, schoolwork, papers, gum-chewing, shoe-tying, and traffic be separate from a meaningful world? My brain always wants to take the “all or nothing” approach. The result was constant searching and constant defeat.

   Only now, I’ve felt like giving up searching. Just live life completely numb, ignoring the tough questions because they seem to mock the loved-ones I remember. I don’t feel like reliving the pain and always asking myself why such-and-such had to die, despite being such a good, and previously healthy person. I never get an answer, I just grow more upset with the state of how things have always been. But when it finally affects me, I make a big deal out of it. How selfish.

   I can either live numb and detached, or live life constantly trying to drug my ego with some kind of “truth”. Do I participate in constant rebellion against a cold universe, or do I try to separate myself (in a sense) from that universe and eventually come to mimic the numbness and coldness of it? Do I take on the role of Sisyphus (happy, angry, sad, frustrated, but always pushing that damn rock) or do I just ignore the questions that seem to be past my comprehension and live life only satisfying basic needs until the inevitable? When I put it that way, they seem so similar…Words don’t properly convey my frustration.

3. MagicDick Says:
   January 28th, 2009 at 1:32 am

   And by the way, PotentiaL, I want to say that is a nice video clip. But my inner cynic is pointing out the obvious (lol people are mostly water…) and ignoring the “deeper meaning” behind those words. How do you interpret it?

4. Nezz Says:
   January 28th, 2009 at 5:36 am

   Greetings, Sean.

   I am still around This post compelled me to respond as I have myself died and have been reborn many times in my life. I ask this of you, something I came to realize myself through my “deaths”, “Why must you classify your self? Why cant you just take all that you have learned, good and bad, and just become You?” Perhaps all those deaths are just you becoming your true self more and more until you finally become the true person you are inside. Just slowly clearing away the confusion in life, one identity at a time.

   -Nezz (aka Antron)

   “Still watching… As always.”

5. Sean Says:
   January 28th, 2009 at 9:26 am

   PotentiaL:

   MagicDick: I don’t think reality is cold. I think it’s indifferent, which is much better. Beliefs still matter, but they only matter to the person/society… not to reality. Reality will play ball with whatever your beliefs are. If life is depressing for you, then I think you still have some work to do, and some emotions to untangle.

   Nezz: How do I “become” myself? Aren’t I already myself? What is there to “become”?

6. aphorist Says:
   January 28th, 2009 at 1:05 pm

   I also have a problem with classifying. It sounds to me like you’ve made a full circle back to a form of atheism. Just now, you recognize psychic power like you recognize physical and chemical power. They all just exist, without meaning or ethereal structure.

7. PotentiaL Says:
   January 28th, 2009 at 5:38 pm

   MagicDick:

   I would interpret Lee’s statement as a suggestion to adapt; or as Sean put it, “just enjoy the ride”. The sea refuses no river.

   I’d like to use the metaphor of a simple plankton in the ocean. Should the plankton look for meaning or look for truth? The plankton accomplishes it’s meaning by just doing whatever it is that plankton do. It may not know that it and all it’s buddies collectively supply half of the world’s oxygen, but would it really matter if it knew? By just “enjoying the ride” plankton satisfy their meaning.

   Searching for its purpose would be a futile exercise when compared to searching for truth. What would truth be for a plankton? Perhaps the fact that a whole different world exists outside of the ocean, a whole universe for that matter. To a plankton, that would be much more enlightening to learn than figuring out making oxygen is great.

8. Nezz Says:
   January 29th, 2009 at 4:23 am

   It appears you are still trying to find some one you are satisfied with being (The Skeptic didnt work, the Spiritualist didnt work and the Athiest as well). All your other identities were not what you wanted I would guess. Also, I feel the answers about reality are ones that no on will ever really know about. I believe you are being to hard on your self :p Find aspects of life that you enjoy believing in and go with it. It doesnt have to be right or wrong, as long as it makes you happy.

   as far as you “becoming” your self and arent you already yourself. I believe a person has to set aside all the beliefs of others in life and find thier own way. Growing up your told what to believe and what is true and not true. So in a sense you have “Become” your mentors. But as you grow you sift through everything you thought you knew and believed in and slowly uncover who You really are and what You really believe in not what You were told to believe.

   So what I guess im saying is that You are not yourself. You are still trying to find who You are Until You are happy with what You believe in and find what works for You.

   “Maybe life is easier than I think? “Just do your best”… ”

   Perhaps it is, Sean.

9. shantoruk Says:
   February 2nd, 2009 at 3:15 am

   Dear Sean,

   I have an admission to make. I’ve been following your blog for a while now with mixed expectations - on the one hand I hoped that you’d have some fantastic results that would inspire me to examine psi further. On the other hand I hoped you wouldn’t so I could continue in my laziness

   Anyway, here are my two cents:

   cent 1 - “enjoying the ride” sounds too passive. I prefer “playing the game”. Not like a kid’s game, no - those are just training toys, meant to prepare us for the real game. The game of life. The one where you don’t know the rules (although science gives us some ideas), you don’t know the objective (although many religions claim to), and the dice keep on rolling whether you’re ready to make your move or not.

   I’ve felt excited at kids’ games, with their neat rules objectives. But the thought of the real game fills me simultaneously with ecstasy and dread. Because you can do anything - make any move, any choice - and the only rule is that you will face the reality your choice generates. And while you can guess, you can never be sure what reality that will be (although experience and learning can help you make more accurate guesses). What we call ‘rules’, even laws of physics, are just guesses that seem to have held up really well so far. And as for the rules or ‘laws’ of society, those are so malleable that they can change according to the collective whim of the players.

   cent 2 - “Aren’t I already myself?” You are yourself this instant. But what were you yesterday? What will you be tomorrow? Even as you play the game, the game plays you - and as you change the rules, the rules change you. You speak of the death of parts of yourself, like your inner atheist, but even apart from such absolute experiences, small parts of us die a little each day, and other parts are born. And what dies and is born depends on the choices we make.

   Before you decide you want to be “yourself” - do you know what “yourself” will be? What would you want it to be?

   And don’t turn that question around on me, because I don’t know I can say I want to be a “good player” in the game, but what is good, hmm? Maybe one who makes the game more fun, for themselves and for others, and leaves the game more full of potential than they found it, for the next generation of players?

10. jack Says:
    February 2nd, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    life and death can’t be chosen…why?

    why are we alive?

    There might be a reason, or maybe not.

11. GoldenJoe Says:
    April 19th, 2009 at 12:27 am

    To quote a motivational speaker on the Simpsons:
    Life is hard, right? Wrong! Life is easy! You suck!

    You should enjoy the learning process more. If you’re counting on learning everything and finding true 100% proof that your reality actually exists, you may want to reconsider your motivations. It’s not reasonable to expect that! (though, anything is possible…) Instead have fun with it. Each “death” as you put it is a lucky save. Think of all the interesting things you get to do as a result.

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