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## Archive for January, 2009

January 27th, 2009 by Sean Where Am I

Alright, so where am I on this path? Man, I’ve nearly forgotten. Forgive me if this post is about myself and my history… I know it’s egotistical. This is post is more for myself, than for the audience. Reader beware.

So I started with the intution that the world was a mystical place… but got slapped pretty hard by science. What… you don’t really believe in magic, do you? It’s just a trick, dummy.

My first incarnation was as an atheist fundamentalist. Life was simple. I was right, and everyone else was wrong. This lasted until my first death, at age 15, when I discovered a gapping hole in my logic. Maybe I was wrong? *gasp*

This new thought revolutionized my beliefs. If I could be 100% convinced of something, and be 100% wrong, then I must question everything. No belief could go unexamined. This ushered in a new era of doubt and uncertainty.

During the next few years, I dabbled in a lot of beliefs. I didn’t have the authority to deny any belief - it could be true, or have uniquely true parts to it - and therefore I had the responsibility to listen and try everything. Christianity? Check. Catholicism? Check. Buddhism? Check. Paganism? Psychic abilities? Life after death? Wiccan rituals? Goddesses? Check check check.

My psyche was split… I had an open-minded clean slate on one side, and a cynical close-minded skeptic on the other. Part of me had to try everything, another part of me had to ridicule it.

My second death happened in June of 2006. I killed my inner skeptic. After 7.5 years of effort, I finally delivered the knock-out punch: proof of non-physical energy.

So, things were good. My open-minded spiritual self had conquered the close-minded cynical self. Good triumphed over evil, right?

Alright! So, I gave my spiritual self free reign. To the victor goes the spoils.

My spiritual self kept lecturing me about purpose, and meaning, and personal development, and higher consciousness (whatever that means), and indoctrinated me in the world of expanded awareness. Oh glory day! I was born again!

But damn it all to hell, things just fell apart when I started to ask a few simple questions. For example: how do you determine your purpose? Can you change your mind? If you can change your mind, then how can you ever be sure you have the right purpose? If you can’t change your mind, then who the hell decided what my purpose was? Or how can I expand my consciousness without knowing what consciousness actually is? How do I measure progress? Can I use a ruler to measure the size of my consciousness?

My questions were no longer cynical in nature… they were just honest questions. Does everyone’s life have the same meaning? How can I figure out the meaning behind an experience? Does reality even care about meaning, or is this something my mind has just created?

Clearly, there are no clear answers :-).

Drunk on consciousness-ness, I devised a plan to put it to the test. Alright, spiritual self! Put some money where your mouth is! If your model of reality is correct, then you should have no problem winning the lottery :-). But no cheating… you can’t use mechanical methods like ESP or PK. Does reality have divine meaning? Is there an intelligent plan? Is there a spiritual purpose? Put up, or shut up.

My third death happened on the 25th of January. My spiritual self’s vision of reality has failed, and I have politely asked it to leave, and take all it’s belief-baggage with it.

Where does that leave me, today? Are there any illusionary self’s left to kill? The atheist died. The skeptic died. The divine died. Another one bites the dust.

I fear stepping into an identity will only lead me down the same path of non-self destruction. But mustn’t I have an identity to function? Perhaps I can just pretend for a while, and enjoy the ride?

Heh, whatever :-). Maybe life is easier than I think? “Just do your best”… you know?

Posted in Note to Self | 11 Comments »

January 25th, 2009 by Sean Lottery Failure, Meaning of Life

It’s been nearly 2 years, and I haven’t won the jackpot. Therefore, I have failed my goal. I told myself, in March of 2007, that if I didn’t win by March of 2009, then I must deal with the failure directly.

On the plus side, I have won some money, and have beaten the odds. I can achieve some success… but not at the level I need to in order to win the jackpot.

I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently. For me, it’s been a question of Meaning. What is The Meaning of life, ya know?

A lot of people don’t really think about it… they pawn off the responsibility to some other person or book. That’s bullshit. Or, they conclude that they’ll never know, so stop thinking about it, and just move on. I also disagree with this approach.

If I knew the Meaning, then I could work towards that Meaning. For example, if the Meaning was to have babies… then I could just get married, have kids, and call it a day. Or if the Meaning was to help people, then I could just join the Peace Corps, teach people stuff, and call it a day. Or if the Meaning was to fight for freedom, then I could just become a Constitutional lawyer, run for public office, and call it a day :-).

The point is: how I answer the question of “Meaning” has a large impact on the decisions I make on a daily basis. It determines what direction I work towards. I’m willing! Give me a Meaning, and I will work hard for it! I’ve searched and searched, and all answers have failed.

“You choose your own Meaning of life!” Blah blah blah. If I choose the meaning of life, then it isn’t the meaning of life, is it? It’s the meaning of Sean’s choice.

See, I’ve developed another thought. Not only is there no meaning, but I think the entire premise is false. It’s false to need meaning. Instead of figuring out what the (non-existant) Meaning is, I should instead remove my need for a meaning.

What is meaning, anyways? What does meaning mean?

I get asked questions like, “I just had a really weird experience. What does it mean?” I never know how to answer those questions. What does it mean? What does it mean to you? I can’t tell YOU what it means to YOU. You tell me!

Ultimately, I think “meaning” is a bastardisation of “truth”. When we ask for the meaning behind something, we are really asking for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. What does a car wreck mean? Well, it means you were going 40 miles per hour, and ignored the red light. Then, another driver who assumed you would stop at a red light, drove under their green light… upon which, you hit them, because the trajectory and timing of the vehicles put them in the same location, at the same point in time… which can’t happen… so instead, the cars rammed into each other. The metal bent, in accordance to how metal bends, based on the atomic properties of the chemical bonds in the material. Yadda yadda yadda.

There is no meaning outside of truth. There is no meaning of life, because the premise - that life exists - is incorrect to begin with. Sure, since we are human, we have human nature… which tells us to survive and reproduce. But the truth is, that if all humans were wiped off the face of this Earth… no one would care. There would be no one to care. Just like no one cared when the dinosaurs went extinct. The dinosaurs probably cared while it was happening… but they don’t care now. The atoms that made up the dinosaurs are layered under the Earth, or are flowing in a river, or maybe inside of your body. The very atoms that made up a ticeratops’ lungs are now protein strands in your brain, storing your memory as an 11 year old. And those protein strands couldn’t care less that they aren’t part of a tricertops anymore.

When we ask for the Meaning of life… the question is false, because the premise is that we are external to this world, looking into it through the lense of this human body. When we ask for the Meaning of life, we presuppose a false identity. The real question - the only question - is: Who Am I? What is the one true identity?

So what the hell does this have to do with the lottery?

The lottery was chosen as a vehicle through which to test life metaphors against the backdrop of reality - without relying on a human mind to give it meaning. The lottery project’s question was: does meaning exist outside of the human mind? The results responded: No. Meaning is created in the mind afflicted with the disease of identity. Meaning is not part of reality itself… it is a by-product of the human experience.

(As a side note, the observed phenomenon of “deeper meaning” is therefore a result of psychology and telepathy - theory #2 is correct.)

So: what is the meaning of life? A good answer is: peace, love, freedom, etc. A better answer is: whatever you choose for your own life. The correct answer is: Mu.

…

…Still, we are stuck.

Posted in Lottery, Note to Self, Philosophy, Belief Systems | 11 Comments »

January 18th, 2009 by Sean Disclosure Project

I watched an interesting video the other day, consisting of individuals giving testimony at a press conference, about their experiences with alien spacecraft. It’s a little long, but it is interesting:

Disclosure Project Press Conference - May 9, 2001

There are two main themes that caught my attention:

1. The witnesses are (assumed to be) credible. Some are high ranking military officials, and many have high security clearances. On a subjective level, they all seem to be telling the truth.

2. Many of them describe the alien spacecraft as red/orange orbs of light, that show up on radar. This consistency suggests they are experiencing the same phenomenon (or at least, they are all delusional in the exact same way).

But there is a third theme that also caught my attention:

3. No one has any evidence. Everything is in the form of an anecdotal story, or documentation of an anecdotal story.

I don’t doubt that world governments research unidentified flying objects secretly. It’s in their national interest. I don’t doubt that people see strange lights in the sky. The question that remains in my head is: are little green men the only explanation for floating orbs of light? Sometimes it feels as though we’ve conditioned ourselves to think that if anything bizarre is flying around in the sky, it MUST be aliens. I’m not asserting aliens don’t exist - I’m just saying that perhaps some experiences are the result of an unknown natural process?

For example, imagine a society conditioned to believe that intergalactic spirits are attempting to possess the Earth. What would that society make of this image?

My god! The spirit is getting ready to take over the world! Or maybe it’s just magnetisim.

Of course, I could be completely wrong, and I’m open to that. The point is: without real evidence, there is no way to figure out the truth. At the end of the day, a story is still just a story. Show me shrapnel from a ship. Show me body parts. Show me advanced technology.

Either way, if you have some time to kill, check it out. It’s very interesting.

Posted in Video, Conspiracy | 2 Comments »

January 2nd, 2009 by Sean Are We Real?

If all my decisions can be traced back to the automated processing of my subconscious… do I ever make real decisions?

Why do I even exist? Why am I even aware of this moment?

Evolution, psychology, sociology, chemistry, physics… these disciplines outline a very clear message. I can see the fear laced beneath the surface of the scientist’s dissertation. The message is that we don’t exist. Everything has been accounted for. We know who, what, when, where, how.

It’s not that I don’t see beauty in this system… I see amazing beauty. Numbers can do amazing things; I get it. But they’re still just numbers.

…

Here’s a fun exercise: identify something you feel is sacred. Maybe God, or music, or poetry, or a religious text, or reproduction, or relationships, or family, or perpetual motion, or secret government, or morality, or correctness, or cleanliness, or technology, or whatever. Then, immerse yourself in it, and learn and experience everything about it. Push yourself to the very brink. Do not deny yourself any piece of relevance.

What will you learn? The object itself was never sacred. It’s perceived sacred-ness was a projection from the inner workings of your own mind. There is no such thing as “sacred”. It’s just your mind.

Everywhere I look, all I see is mind. This computer is mind. This music is mind. This air. These feelings. I cannot escape mind.

I know I am not mind… but I can’t not use mind in order to search for myself. And I can’t not use mind to express this.

The point is this:

Mind is not real. By extension, reality is not real. I’ve been chasing my shadow, for a glimpse of my face. Is Nothing worthwhile? Will Nothing satisfy my thirst for existence?

Ramblings.

Posted in Note to Self, Subconscious | 15 Comments »

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